Naëtt Atkinson
It starts long before, through rehearsed conversations, anticipated conflict, and the quiet certainty that things will go the way they always have.
I have a client who booked a couple of conflict coaching sessions to help her prepare for an upcoming mediation. She is committed to finding a way forward and at the same time, deeply anxious about having to engage with the other party. Based on past interactions, she anticipates tension, difficult conversations, and the possibility of things escalating. She doesn’t want the process to derail or become unproductive.
Situations like mediation can be particularly distressing. Especially when there are unpleasant memories from recent interactions, or longer-standing dynamics that have never been properly resolved. We tend to regress in our responses, fall back into familiar roles, and replay patterns that have been well established over time. Because we recognise these patterns, and the outcomes they often lead to, we go in on high alert, anticipating the worst.
We replay the past and anticipate future scenarios, built on previous experiences and interactions, in our minds again and again. This leads to more anxiety and greater distress. The more emotionally overwhelmed we become, the stronger the sense of being powerless and the easier it is to fall back into old conflict patterns and predictable reactions.
My aim is to change the way people respond to conflict. To make people aware of new responses so they feel more empowered to create different outcomes for themselves, instead of freezing, fighting, fawning or fleeing.
My role is to make the scenarios in my client’s head more realistic. Right-size them. Give real or imagined incidents the correct weight and place. And give people tools so that they can consciously shift how they show up in the dynamic, regulate their emotional responses, and interrupt old patterns.
Emotional robustness and conflict management often don’t come naturally. We need to prepare, consciously practise awareness, and build new responses consistently before they become second nature.
Recent approaches in conflict coaching also focus on nervous system regulation, pattern interruption, and intentional response design, because how we feel in the moment often drives how we behave far more than what we know.
Here are a few strategies to help you stay centred during any meeting or process that you fear might derail your equilibrium and trigger old responses. You don’t have to use all of them. Choose the ones that are easiest or the best fit and implement those:
- Don’t totalise
Even if an incident happens, don’t let it colour all interaction. Ring-fence the incident. Bring the incident and its impact back to size. You are the only one who gives it power. Eliminate totalising language like “never” and “always.”
A helpful addition here is to name what is actually happening in the moment instead of collapsing everything into one narrative.
- Don’t catastrophise
Refrain from making up stories in your head that may or may not happen. Don’t give free rein to assumptions or what you believe other people’s intentions are.
Ask yourself: “What am I assuming that might not be true?” and “What else could be true?”
- Practice your response if you get held hostage
Acknowledge the past, express that you had a role in it, agree that a conversation may be needed, but also highlight a shared goal for the process.
It can also help to pre-plan a few grounding phrases; short, calm and neutral responses that keep you out of reactive mode.
- Have safe people
Tell your safe people beforehand that you might need them and how you would like them to help you. Whether it’s simply being present, helping you regulate, or stepping in when needed.
- Take charge and set the tone for the interaction
Don’t hide or evade. Walk up and engage first. If you prefer to do this with someone, ask that person to be with you.
- Create the version of events you want
Imagine how you would like it to be. How are people reacting, being, doing in your ideal version?
And importantly—how are you responding in that version?
If you would like to know more about any of these techniques, or if you want to make sure you create new responses to conflict, make an appointment for some personal conflict coaching sessions.